I am getting married in nine days.
So all of these long-winded thoughts on commitment, discipline, sexuality, relationships, conflict, and family are about to be tested. But when I pull my thoughts up from those depths, this thought reigns:
how will I ever get ready for any special occasion without having a girl roommate to share things with?
Might seem shallow. For eight years I have lived roommate-to-roommate (or flatmate or teammate), sometimes gaining delightful friends, other times… um… really being challenged and refined. But they always had clothes, shoes & jewelry to borrow. And I love that.
I’m a patchwork person: a piece of you here, a piece of her there, a clothing swap or “free table” full of things that are mine now, but can be yours later, and, “just keep it if it looks better on you.” This reality is all over my heart, too, not just in my clothes.
I’m not excited to lose that.
Sometimes, I do fear that being married will make me feel more lonely than ever. That it will bind and restrict me. That I will miss out on things. That it will make me leave behind more things I love… like my roommates.
The I remember this little piece of story:
In the book A Wind in the Door, Charles Wallace is dying. His sister and friend are sent deep within his cells, and find a little being called a farandola. The farandolae are meant to mature and Deepen; when they do, their movement falls into a rhythm, drawing each cell in each living thing into divine unity with all of Creation.
But this farandola has believed a lie: that he is not part of anybody.
“The temptation for farandola or for man or for star is to stay an immature pleasure-seeker. When we seek our own pleasure as the ultimate good we place ourselves as the center of the universe. A fara or a man or a star has his place in the universe, but nothing created is the center.”
Maybe you can guess the ending. It is, after all, a young adult novel. Our own stories are not so easily resolved. The Teacher in this story speaks to that:
“Humans need Deepening Places, too. And far too many never have any.”
My temptation is to flee, to keep moving, to never feel stuck. But my higher purpose, now, is to stay. My first and most solid Deepening Place is Jesus. Within that place, marriage will be another. And I cannot pretend I’m not apprehensive, nervous, or fearful that I will never get it right.
But, after all,
“It is only when we are fully rooted that we are really able to move.”